Before you say " I DO"

I know this statement is always used when we are talking to couples that are about to get married. This we use when we give them guidance about the institution they are about to get themselves into.

Well today, I'd like us to look at both instances when we actually do say "I do" in a relationship and what you are agreeing to at that given moment

When is the first time you say "I do"?

When you agree to allow that person to be part of your journey. You see at that stage when they actually ask you out and you agree to be the girlfriend/boyfriend, you've just engage on the first part 

You may be thinking already, "no, it's not the same thing"

But it is the same thing only at different stages of the relationship

The second part is what we already know when people are actually asked to reaffirm their decision in front of everyone else, this time committing to a lifetime, i.e when the two get married. 

What are we agreeing to when we say " I do?"

You are agreeing to have certain experiences with this person at a given moment. I refer to experiences because on the previous article, I explained what really love is. To gain more understanding of what I'm saying here, it would be good to read this article

What do these experiences entail?

Laughter, tears, peace, fights, misunderstandings, great understandings, good and bad times

This is the order of life, you can never pray, wish or even fast them away. It's part and parcel of life. It is how nature works. In a 24 hour day there's both day time and night time which are both part of the existence of a full day. You can't wish away the night not to come, it will come

If all these are mentioned above are going to be part of your journey with that particular person

What should you be asking yourself before you say "I do?"

Before you even agree to be the girlfriend/boyfriend, ask yourself this:

"Am I ready to accept this person with all their strengths and flaws into my life?"

"Am I ready to accept them as they are, without changing anything about them?"

"Am I ready to meet the person I don't know about myself through this person?"

"Am I ready to share all of myself wholeheartedly with this person, with no reservations?"

"Am I ready to get my lessons that are going to come through me being part of this relationship with this person?"

I bet just like myself and most of the people out there, we never ask ourselves these type of questions.

And yet life calls to do. We get so busy analyzing and assuming what we'll get and have in this relationship without even preparing ourselves mentally, emotionally and physically for this journey.

Why do we need to prepare ourselves mentally, emotionally and physically?

That's because we are body, mind and soul. We use our minds to process what we experience and form thoughts about it, use our emotions to feel everything and of course use the body to do the physical experiences.

So when you are in a relationship with a person, you connect with them in 3 ways, physically, mentally and emotionally. That is why it become so difficult to break up especially when you are long into the relationship. The connection goes too deep

What are the things you then need to discuss before you say "I do" especially when getting married?

Step kids - what happens, who stays with who, why, how much involve will we be?

The family dynamics - parents involvement etc.

Finances - you know it's funny that when we meet none of us asks the other to see their bank statement, payslip etc, and yet money is the number 1 reason for a lot of heartaches and break ups

Kids of your own - how many do you want to have, do you even want to have kids?

Future aspirations - where do you individually want to be in the next decades?

Marriage contract - what is best for the two of you vs what you are being told by everyone else it is?

Religion - do believe in the same thing? If not, how do you expect to work around it? You know this one is a big one for many blacks because the expectation is that when you get married you automatically go to the hubby's church, what if he doesn't fellowship anywhere? What if you don't like the church he goes to then what?

It's amazing that a lot of us get to say " I do" but  haven't discussed such issues meanwhile these will be part and parcel of your journey, if they are not already an issue even before you get to this stage

What happens if we don't or didn't discuss all mentioned above and already said "I do?"

Unfortunately you gonna have to deal with the consequences, just like  anything in life, if you don't plan and prepare for what you want, you are already planning and preparing for disaster

So then, what do you do next?

Exit or stay?

Hear all about it in the next article 😍

Loved this article, then share with All your loved ones 😘

The 2 main reasons love hurt so much for many people

Love is a beautiful thing. I call it a thing because it's not easy to  describe it.

When you ask someone why they love this person, in most cases than not, the answer you'll get is

"I don't how to explain it, but I just do" 😊

Now, let me share with you what I got to understand love as

What is Love?

Love is God, love is energy and love is YOU 💥

I say this with conviction!

Let me explain further, firstly

God - we can't see nor touch
Energy - can't be seen nor touched
You - can't be seen nor touched

I know some of you will say but I can be seen or touched.

The truth is you cannot be seen nor touched.

Let me explain further.

The real You which is the spirit  and a "real person" can't be see nor touched. I'm referring to the person that if you were to drop down dead right now, people around you will be crying saying you are no more, whereas your body will still be here 💥💥💥

So, the real person that is YOU cannot be touched nor seen but we experience their existence through the body they dwell in.

Secondly, the Bible says it very nicely that God is Love (1 John 4 verse 8) and we are all made in the image of God (Gen 1 verse 26) and it further says that after God created a human being, there was no life in that body until he breathed the breath of Life and the body became a living being (Gen 2 verse 7)

A question one may be asking themselves now  is "if I am Love, why does love hurt so much?"

It's because of these 2 reasons which we were taught that:

1. Love is something outside of ourselves

Something that we get from others. Which is why to date, a lot of us are struggling with the concept of self-love. We don't know that we are love and we are to love ourselves even more which is through recognizing all that we are (the good, the bad and the ugly)

We were not taught to see love for what it is, to see it as part of us, to see it as something that is us but to see it as something you can get out there.

Just like God,  many of us still see him as something outside of ourselves, whereas as eluded above, his breath is in us and therefore he is in us - in an energetic form.

2 Love is something we look for

By nature we look for things that don't appear right in front of us, things that we think and believe it's not here, something we lack.

I mean you'll only go looking for a shoe if you don't see where it is, right? Because if you knew where the shoes was or you can see it, you won't go looking for it, right?

That is why to date those that are looking for love are still looking 😔

I want to share something as we are on this topic of lack.

Because our brains are trained naturally to look for something that we feel lack, when we say we are looking for love, we are telling our brain to go searching for it somewhere and in most cases it is out there.

So in actual effect this concept of looking for love is teaching and engraving deep down into our unconscious mind more feelings of lack.

The reason we go looking for love is because we feel that where we are it is not there.

What am I saying to you with all this?

I'm saying that love is not something you look for, it's not something you find but it's something you share with others because you are already love - yourself.

If you can understand this, then you won't go blaming people for things they are not doing for you or  things they are not doing like you because you know for a fact that they are not YOU.

If this seems very difficult to phantom, do this:

Take a look at the current frustration you are having about the person you are with or those you've been with, what was your frustration about them?
If it's their actions or behavior that is/was troubling you, how do you want or would have wanted them to behave?
Why do you want them to behave like that? Who behaves like that currently in your life, is it not you?

In 9/10 cases when I sit with someone during a coaching session, I'll hear things like "if it was me, I wasn't going to do or say that", "they should have said it this way instead of that way"

We forget that the other person is not you

Today going forward, be reminded that your task is not to look for love, but to share the love you already are with us. Your task is to remember whom you've always been and break down all the things you've been taught that have not and are not serving you to date.

So why is love hurting so much for you?

It's because you are looking for yourself in others. You are looking for yourself out there.

Love is you, everything about you, your thoughts, your desires, how you express yourself in the world, your voice, your fears, everything - alles 😍😍

Stop looking and recognize that you are already here. You already have the love you want. All you have to do is recognize yourself and allow yourself and others to be.

I'm here to help you live your best life the way you know how, not what you were told

To know about me, read here

For more information on my relationship coaching programmes email: portia@theloveacademy.co.za.


Much love

Who is Nomasonto?

Nomasonto is a mother of 3  boys married to a lovely human being, who despite all my flaws agreed to do this love and life thing with me

I was born and bread in Johannesburg - South Africa. I come from a very small township under Ekurhuleni Municipality called Tokoza.

I'm one of the very fortunate souls (others may say unfortunate)  that was not raised by both my biological parents. But because God has a plan for every human being on this planet, he saw fit that i be raised by the most loving family that adopted me (unofficially).

I'm a relationship coach, an author of a lovely book Plastic Man, an business woman and a servant of God.

My mission is to help as many souls heal their love story and in the process help them create sustainable healthy relationship, because YOU deserve it

Why I do the work I do?

As eluded above, I was never raised by my biological parents (like many more people out there) as a result I walked around life carrying feelings of rejection and abandonment - UNAWARE.

I walked through life believing that there is something wrong with me because out of all the whole crew (my siblings) I was the only one who wasn't raised by my mother. I thought maybe I wasn't good enough for her (them), hence......

Worse of all I was sexually abused and raped from a very early age and all this confirmed that there definitely is something wrong with me.

What's interesting is that because I was young and was living in a family with both a mother and a father, I never felt the absence of my biological parents. I journeyed through life as if all was well. 

It was only LATER in my life that I started feeling a disconnect. 

This is WHY I do what I do  to help more people see their blind-spots which brings a lot of AWARENESS to one about themselves. Because when you know yourself better you are able to relate to others much better.

And when we relate to each other better, we build strong families,  communities, societies, which in turn impact the world we live in.

Sadly, many of us are not even AWARE of who we truly are and we go around in life thinking others are the bigger problem to us.

Well stay tuned to this blog to learn more........ 😍

When did I start and how long have I been doing this work?

I've been doing this work for as long as I could remember, to be exact it was in my teens. People (mostly adults) will come to me for advise about problems they are experiencing with their families, children, spouse, etc. For whatever the reason I always knew what to say to them and they'll leave feeling relieved and excited because what they saw as a mountain in front of them was now a small ant 😌😂

What is relationship coaching, really?

Relationship coaching is helping an individual relate better with themselves as well as everyone and everything around them.

It is what others term "Life coaching". I call it relationship coaching because I specifically help people RELATE better while being the best version of themselves 😍

What can you expect from this blog?

Everything about love, family, friends, colleagues, children, church members etc. 

We'll laugh, cry, get serious and be playful together. 

In this blog I'll be touching on topics that will make you LOOK at yourself in a completely different way. You'll wish you never came here to read 😂😂😂

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MUCH LOVE

portia@theloveacademy.co.za.